Thirteen days ago, I became an aunt. A concept that still doesn’t seem real to me. She is absolutely beautiful, with delightful round cheeks that remind of my little brother. He was also a beautiful baby, much bigger than his daughter but with the same dark eyes and surprisingly tan skin. I am in love.

The same week that my sister-in-law went into labor, my doctor called me to tell me that he believes I have a polyp and we need to do further testing. After doing some research about it, I feel better. The initial reaction, though, was fear. Polyps mean surgery. Surgery comes with risks. Surgically removing the polyp still doesn’t guarantee I’ll get pregnant. After hearing this, I wanted nothing more than to call my mom and cry to her about the very unfairness of life itself but she was at my sister-in-law’s side helping her give birth to her first granddaughter. Self involved, I know but I wanted my mom. I had already been sharing her for the last 9 months and now I had to share her when I really needed her. My sister-in-law needed her more but the emotional brain is not logical.

I’ve come to a better place but my heart hurts sometimes to look a new mother and know how badly I want it. To know that at this point, it’s not just going to happen for us until we take major steps to try to make it happen. Right now, we cannot even continue trying to get pregnant because the next test I am supposed to take, I absolutely cannot be pregnant for. I shouldn’t try to get pregnant with this unknown anyway because it’s possible for polyps to cause miscarriages.

Intimacy with my husband has taken on a different tone. Nothing drastic but I’m not allowed to feel the closeness I really want to feel with the man I love. Trying to have a baby changes the love and intimacy between two people and I really loved that. I fear, and fear so much more than my husband that we will go through all this and it still won’t happen. I’m afraid of invasive procedures and I’m afraid of the costs. I’m afraid that we’ll spend thousands of dollars with no baby and find out that now we don’t have enough extra money put away to put forth for adoption.

I’m afraid of all these things because there is something so wrong with my body right now. I know it. I can feel it. I pray every day, it’s only because of this supposed polyp and once it’s gone, I’ll start having PMS normally again. The severe mid month cramps will stop. The everything will go back to a place where I feel like I am capable of having a life inside of me.

It’s a mixed bag because I am unquestionably happy for my brother and my sister-in-law but I am also seething with jealousy. I’m mostly aware of my jealousy. Other people don’t understand it. They think every opinion or comment I have comes from vindictiveness. I’m not upset with those blessed with the things that I want. I am upset because I stand here with a large question mark above my head feel insecure about myself as a woman.

I am a pretty positive person that doesn’t let a lot get them down. I know that there is a path set down before me. I know that with patience and trust in God, it will eventually become clear. For now, though, I feel like all I do is question myself and God. Do I think things because I am being impatient? Do I think something because God is opening to my heart to other paths and other people? I wish I could trust myself more.