I have not written a blog post in a long time. For a while, it was because I found out that I had a number of polyps and that I needed surgery in order to become pregnant. After all that time of wondering if I even had the ability to get pregnant, I had a possibility in front of me. A possibility which also came with the cost of surgery, anesthesia and no guarantee it would fix anything. So I moped around, stressed, cried, gained some weight, and held on to the hope that maybe, just maybe with all my allergies and other problems that this was the only issue for our fertility.

The surgery came and went. It went really well. The doctor felt good about the procedure and just speaking from a physical viewing when she removed the polyps, she said that it did not look like there were other issues at least physically. We were told to wait one full cycle before trying again. Even that little amount of time felt like forever.

On July 5, I took a test not expecting a positive sign but hoping and there it was. Two little lines bold as could be. I had suspected a pregnancy because of how bad I felt but my symptoms were also very flu like so I thought it was just in my head. It was made even more special because my two best friends were staying with us over the weekend so other than my husband and my mother, I got to tell them right away and in person.

As I write this, I am 20 weeks. Sometimes I feel like I am still in shock. I look at my growing belly and realize that there is a life inside of me, growing and becoming a person. A real person. I meant to write a blog post before this but I kept stopping myself. I think was worried about jinxing it. I’ll be honest, I’m still worried about jinxing it. But I also know that I have a beautiful child that I only have about 20 more weeks of waiting before I get to meet her.

Did I not mention we know it’s a girl? I already know she’s beautiful. I’m terrified and excited all at once. I have moments of unrelenting fear that something is wrong and moments of absolute tearful, thankful joy knowing that God has blessed me well beyond what I deserve. I call her by her name all the time. Elizabeth. The amount my husband and I use it when talking to my stomach, I’m pretty sure she’ll already know when she comes out. It just feels so good to know. To see her picture every day and know that she is mine.

Two years ago, I started a blog called Primal Otter. I posted regularly for almost a year and then I just let it fall to the wayside. There were a lot of reasons but the main one is that I was trying to write this blog about nutrition and managing allergies and here I was constantly struggling. Was I really fit to give people nutrition advice when I was struggling to eat anything without extreme nausea? Last year was a really hard year for me.

There were health issues, family problems, and work was no longer enjoyable for me. I lost the energy to try and help other people. Like I said, what did I know? I had no energy and my stomach constantly hurt. Eating was almost more work than it was worth. It was so frustrating.

My job had become one hundred times more stressful too. I had taken on a lot of new responsibilities in Human Resources with no real education in it at all. My new manager and I clashed really badly at the start and my best friend at work, who helped me get through each day, was off for three months for her health. It made my forty hour week seem like a lifetime.

There were further things but I say all this because the thought of writing a positive blog about health when my health was in the crapper just seemed like an avenue in which to complain. I don’t want to complain. I want to move forward. So I decided to start this blog. Her Winter Song. My Cherokee name is Gola Kanogisdi. It means Winter Song.

This is my Winter Song. These are my own chronicles of where I am, who I am and where I am going. The Cherokee believed that winter was a time of inner reflection and readying yourself for the coming spring. Last year was a hot, humid awful summer and fall. This year is my Winter.