I had a challenge the other day. I was told to choose 10 goals to help become my best self. But it gets better. I couldn’t say ‘I will’. I had to say ‘I am’. Because I will becomes a to do list. I am forces you to make steps toward that goal and I love it! It’s hard though. It forces you to look at your life in long term goals.
My Number 1: I am HELLA strong!
My number 10: I am FEARLESS!
She is dang cute, though.
Like every other mom, life gets so busy. I’ve been missing my writing, both fiction and non-fiction. A day goes by so fast, specially with a very hyper toddler. Even as I type this, my daughter is waking up from a nap extremely fussy and when I tried to calm her down and hold her, she pushed me away and yelled, “No.”
*sigh*
Kids are tiring. She finally calmed after some convincing and some eventual cuddling. I know my struggle isn’t uncommon. Almost every mom wants to work out, eat well, work a job, and still manage to still be a good mom. It’s hard. Really hard. Plus I want some time for me. Maybe have a hobby. Do something that doesn’t revolve around my kid. Maybe a little selfish but trying to find a balance between mom life, work life, and my life is challenging. At two, family activities are even still limited. I hope to find some activities we can do together once she hits 3 but at 2, options are very limited. Rock climbing starts at 3 which she will really like. But for now, I want to find something that’s work, cleaning the house, or watching kid’s movies with my little one.
I’m on week two of working out 6 days a week. Nothing major but it’s a half hour a day and since my day starts at 3 AM so I have time to work out before I head my nanny job, it feels like a lot. On top of that comes better food choices. Over the weekend, I drank beer and ate fries and then had two days of recovery because I’m old and that affects me way more than it should. But today, I step back onto the bandwagon. I worked out this morning again after taking Monday off. I am enjoying some banana bread (gluten free) which is a lot of carbs but I also like to enjoy my life.
I go to bed at 8 PM so I’d like to find time on a daily basis for writing whether for my blog or for my actual story. Something to keep myself thinking, something to keep myself challenged on a daily basis. I’d like to update the blog on my different recipes and work out challenges and successes and failures. A personal journal for myself and something for someone else to read and hopefully enjoy.
Always,
Winter
Yesterday was a good day. It was a normal day with my active angel but diet wise, I made good decisions. I went to out for lunch and had a salad with olive oil and didn’t even eat any of my daughter’s fries. I even chose a glass of wine over a beer which admittedly causes me pain because you get so much more beer for so much less money but I really am trying to make positive changes for myself and every time, I make a bad one I feel like I am take a step back. I firmly believe that you need to treat yourself occasionally, but I’m still getting my diet on track. It’s not as simple as once in a while having a beer. I have to 100% not have beer so I can get to the point where I occasionally can get away with having a beer.
For now though, there’s no middle ground for me. Same with dairy and sugar. I have to lose my taste/craving for it so that when I do imbibe, it’s amazing but short term. My coffee is not as good with coconut milk but I will march on.
Oh, and you know what! Coconut milk only has 4 grams of fat per 1/3 cup. Which means that it’s really, really watered down. Now I am referring to the coconut milk in the carton. The canned coconut milk has 12 grams. I really liked my no breakfast, high fat coffee every morning so it’s back to the drawing board for coffee. I do have cacao butter and coconut oil but I was really enjoying not having to get out my blender every morning. So I’ll have to decide where the balance will be. I have a little personal blender that’s really nice to use but as you know, it’s another thing to clean. I’ll update what I decide too. I may go back to a dairy-free Rocket Fuel Latte. Which is very good but a little more work.
In my search to find that recipe, I found a dairy free eggnog recipe. I’m going to need to try that. Since I have my own chickens, I feel pretty safe rocking the whole raw egg thing.
Last note: I bought my daughter ice skates yesterday. I’m told that as long as they can walk in them, they can learn how to ice skate. I’m hoping to have her practice this fall and go ice skating this winter. She’s so energetic and I’d love to find her an activity that 
involved us both and wasn’t just playing out in the snow. Plus my girlfriend is a former figure skater, now hockey player so she’s really hoping Liz has some interest in ice skating. Apparently there are some great opportunities for female hockey players.
Always,
Winter song
That was my day today. I mostly slept in, other than waking up and convincing a toddler to go back to sleep in my bed so I could sleep longer. She acquiesced. Then I just grocery shopped and meal prepped. While drinking some very cheap, very delicious Aldi’s wine. I made three recipes but have only tasted one so far. The rest are in bags in the freezer, ready to be thrown in a crock pot in the morning.
I made No Bean Pumpkin Chili. Sounds weird but it’s awesome. And keto. And dairy free, which are two things I am really working on right now. I also made hamburger soup and a chicken recipe but I’ll wait on giving links and thoughts until after I give them a try. 
Chili based recipes are always challenging for me because of my corn allergy, I am not able to have citric acid which is in almost all canned diced tomatoes. Instead, I’ve found a boxed (over priced) diced tomato that Meijer sells. It’s very good but it’s also a struggle to buys something that’s twice the price of all the other ones.
The good news is even though I have to struggle with my own stuff, it looks like my daughter is not allergic to corn. My heart is soaring. I was able to let her have some candy at a trunk or treat. Like the other kids. It was amazing. I want her to be the healthiest she can be but I also want her to be a human being. So I was able to let her go to town on the suckers and the tootsie rolls.
I look forward to letting my daughter actually enjoy Halloween and trick or treating with her like I did with my parents. But tonight, I look forward to a few more glasses of wine and leftover chili.
Always,
Winter Song
Yesterday was not a good diet day. I was tired, so tired. On Wednesday night I got to leave my monster (translated: toddler) with my mom and head out to a wine and painting party and boy, did I wine. So yesterday, I was tired and dealing with a headache from Hades. No stomach stuff, just a headache. So I ate my kid’s gummy bears, snacked on her bean chips, and finished off her chocolate bar. The only thing I did do right yesterday is that it was a dairy free day. Days like yesterday usually start to get me discouraged but I really want to stop that attitude. I want to just take yesterday for what it was which was a lazy, junk food day and start today back to normal. Often a heavy carb, high sugar day sends me into a binge of carbs for like a week. 
So today, we are more back to normal. I am still finishing up my heavy whipping cream but otherwise making dairy free options. I still need to come up with a dessert that is both dairy free and low carb. Probably doesn’t exist but I have some ideas. I will definitely post anything I find and let you know how it turns out. I sometimes wish I didn’t have to work so hard for good options but the other day, I washed my daughter’s hair and already her terrible eczema on her head is getting better and her diapers are getting less and less runny. I remember how hard and out of control my eczema was growing up and the last thing I want my daughter dealing with is that. With Halloween coming up, I’m going to need to get creative too which I’ll talk about in an upcoming blog.
Always,
Winter Song
I have not blogged since just after my daughter, Little Fox, was born. Obviously priorities change and I wasn’t that good at it before having a wild child. But I’ve recently been wanting to change my priorities around again and although, my daughter will still be at the top, I want to start taking intentional time for myself every day. Nothing major but if the only thing I do is entertain a kid and clean and cook, and maybe do some laundry, I start to feel a little resentful toward a kid that messes up my clean house and a husband who doesn’t understand how much I actually accomplish on a daily basis.
I’ve also had some weight that’s hanging around my middle that I’d like to get rid of. I eat fairly healthy but I have enough not so good things that it just won’t budge. Part of that is working from home and not being very successful at it. It’s stressful and is taking up much of my usual catching up with the house time. Once the current project I’m doing is complete, I’ve decided that instead I want to spend that time on exercise, meal planning, and cleaning. I’ve found myself frustrated at my child for being a child. For being a baby girl who wants to sit in my lap and empty out the cupboards or knock all the magnets off the fridge. I don’t want to be that mom. I want to be a mom who enjoys my kids. Who takes the time to do things for myself without making my husband always pick up the baby slack.
Another thing that comes with things for myself and my recent weight gain is planning my meals better and taking dairy out. I would have liked to take dairy out today but I have quite a bit of heavy whipping cream left for my coffee and rather than wasting it, I think I will just start taking steps toward weaning off of it while still maintaining a high fat diet which is much more challenging when you take dairy out. My poor child has eczema broke out terribly on her head which means that the little dairy I was giving her was firing it up. So some changes need to be made.
I have an urge to do this all tomorrow. To just make it happen but that’s unrealistic. My hope is to complete this project by this Monday (which is really stretching it) but an ideal world would be to start November with my diet and exercise plan in a place to actually complete it. I want to be able to blog daily about where I am, where my setbacks are, and help to my motivate myself and maybe others to know that falling short is just human and that all we can do is keep trying. Some of those days, the blog may just be about a recipe I’ve tried or am trying or about something inspiring I read that day but I want to write regardless of the subject.
So my few blog readers, I hope you enjoy my ramblings, my complaining, and my daily journey of trying to continue to manage my Celiac disease, my lactose intolerance, my weight loss, and my wild child, Little Fox.
Always,
Winter Song
Thirteen days ago, I became an aunt. A concept that still doesn’t seem real to me. She is absolutely beautiful, with delightful round cheeks that remind of my little brother. He was also a beautiful baby, much bigger than his daughter but with the same dark eyes and surprisingly tan skin. I am in love. 
The same week that my sister-in-law went into labor, my doctor called me to tell me that he believes I have a polyp and we need to do further testing. After doing some research about it, I feel better. The initial reaction, though, was fear. Polyps mean surgery. Surgery comes with risks. Surgically removing the polyp still doesn’t guarantee I’ll get pregnant. After hearing this, I wanted nothing more than to call my mom and cry to her about the very unfairness of life itself but she was at my sister-in-law’s side helping her give birth to her first granddaughter. Self involved, I know but I wanted my mom. I had already been sharing her for the last 9 months and now I had to share her when I really needed her. My sister-in-law needed her more but the emotional brain is not logical.
I’ve come to a better place but my heart hurts sometimes to look a new mother and know how badly I want it. To know that at this point, it’s not just going to happen for us until we take major steps to try to make it happen. Right now, we cannot even continue trying to get pregnant because the next test I am supposed to take, I absolutely cannot be pregnant for. I shouldn’t try to get pregnant with this unknown anyway because it’s possible for polyps to cause miscarriages.
Intimacy with my husband has taken on a different tone. Nothing drastic but I’m not allowed to feel the closeness I really want to feel with the man I love. Trying to have a baby changes the love and intimacy between two people and I really loved that. I fear, and fear so much more than my husband that we will go through all this and it still won’t happen. I’m afraid of invasive procedures and I’m afraid of the costs. I’m afraid that we’ll spend thousands of dollars with no baby and find out that now we don’t have enough extra money put away to put forth for adoption.
I’m afraid of all these things because there is something so wrong with my body right now. I know it. I can feel it. I pray every day, it’s only because of this supposed polyp and once it’s gone, I’ll start having PMS normally again. The severe mid month cramps will stop. The everything will go back to a place where I feel like I am capable of having a life inside of me.
It’s a mixed bag because I am unquestionably happy for my brother and my sister-in-law but I am also seething with jealousy. 
I’m mostly aware of my jealousy. Other people don’t understand it. They think every opinion or comment I have comes from vindictiveness. I’m not upset with those blessed with the things that I want. I am upset because I stand here with a large question mark above my head feel insecure about myself as a woman.
I am a pretty positive person that doesn’t let a lot get them down. I know that there is a path set down before me. I know that with patience and trust in God, it will eventually become clear. For now, though, I feel like all I do is question myself and God. Do I think things because I am being impatient? Do I think something because God is opening to my heart to other paths and other people? I wish I could trust myself more.
This week has been an emotional week . A hormonal week as well which magnifies all my feels by about a gazillion. But it’s been more than that. I finally feel like I am moving forward. My husband and I have been trying quite unsuccessfully for a year to get pregnant. And I’ve been off birth control for much longer than that. Much longer. We think it’s possible that there was a pregnancy last year but the potential victory was extremely short lived. I had symptoms, sickness, the works but I think I lost it before it became real enough to test positive. Maybe it was just a pipe dream, maybe it wasn’t. My one personal saving grace, in a bitter kind of way, is that after that happened, my body became drastically different. It may have been a coincidence. It may have been a influx of hormone changes but things were definitely different. Things were so different in fact that I was sure the next six months would not yield any pregnancies. I was right.
I spoke with a nurse practitioner. She made me feel like my concerns were silly and I was jumping the gun. “You’ve only been trying for six months, you need to wait longer.” She told me. It’s what they tell everybody. Who’s more impatient than a woman who wants to be a mother. I’m not mad at her but mad at myself. I feel like I wasn’t clear about my worries that maybe I minimized them because I was afraid of what it would lead to. I was afraid that if I pushed too hard then we would find out something was seriously wrong with me. That maybe I didn’t have the ability to have children. And that froze me inside. It made me minimize my worries and that nurse practitioner probably sees worried young women like me all the time. Plus I was hoping so much that she was right. I asked for a PCOS test and she said that I wasn’t overweight so that’s very, very unlikely.
Now we are at a year and I can finally go to an obstetrician’s office in confidence and say that things aren’t working and I want answers. Bless my OB. He not only took me seriously and said right away that he would refer me to an fertility specialist but he also told me that he wanted to check for PCOS and Endometriosis right away. He didn’t poo poo me. He took me seriously. And even though I am still afraid of what the ultrasound will find, my testosterone came back normal. That’s a good sign for being negative on PCOS. His immediate trust in my own feelings about my body made me feel like I could trust myself again. I could trust that whatever it is causing this infertility may be healed. I could trust that my body with its eczema and constant gut problems and allergies was no longer my enemy.
No, not all at once. Some days, I cry because I wake up to bloody scratches on my legs from scratching myself in my sleep. Sometimes when my husband takes me out for dinner, I growl in the frustration of realizing that I can basically eat a plain chicken breast cooked in tinfoil and microwaved veggies. Or if I don’t, spending the next few days feeling bad and looking terrible. I’m not not frustrated. My saving grace is that I feel like I finally a little more in control of my life. Even though I firmly believe we are not really in control, I feel like I am no longer just floating. Floating is indifferent. Floating is… painful. I am not floating anymore.
I can go on for a while about this subject but I won’t. There are far more educated and informed people than me making this same statement. It just irritates me to no end that fat shaming is acceptable and that not being rail thin is unhealthy. Speaking as a person who is naturally thin, I have always struggled with my health. There was nothing healthy about me at 115 pounds with abs. I was still breaking out in hives and had no energy. Weight does not indicate health. Please check out the following article that shows women who are beautiful and not stick skinny doing yoga poses that my scrawny butt could definitely not do.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/carolynkylstra/curvy-yoga
Also, don’t read the comments. They will just make you mad. It never ceases to amaze me how cruel and nasty people can be behind the guise of a keyboard. We women should be encouraging each other constantly, not bringing each other down.
her winter song 